men use to duel to the death for women, now they scared of a lil competition - the (d)illusion of choice and the death of exclusivity in the modern dating landscape

Now, friend, I'd like to preface this by stating that I usually like to stay out of the relationship olympics. The 50/50 debacle and "who gets their plate first" litmus tests will forever elicit an ancestral eye roll from me. But y'all, I'm bothered. I'm annoyed. I'm irked. But I'm also inspired. So, of course, it's only right to rant. 

The other day, a friend and I were discussing my initial thoughts on bell hooks' The Will to Change. An accompaniment to her 3-title series on love, this fourth book addresses men, masculinity, and love. I have always held the belief that the patriarchy is at the root of everybody's problems, both male and female. And Ms. hooks thinks so, too. In discussions about how patriarchal standards and teachings push men and boys to strip away their full range of human emotion in favor of a more diluted cocktail made of anger and rage, we approached the topic of how men, and some women, show up in modern relationships. Thus, we arrive at what I like to call the (d)illusion of choice and the death of exclusivity. 

The (d)illusion of choice is the concept that we always have more, and in some instances, better options. It is an illusion, further fueled by our own self-delusions, most of which I'd like to attribute to the rise of social media.  While humans thrive on social interaction, we were never meant to have access to anyone, anywhere, at any time. Girl, I got off Twitter (I'm never calling it X, idc how much money jit got) when I realized that it was damn-near dystopian to know what a 23-year-old stranger in Alabama was thinking at 3am. Seemingly unlimited access to perceived unlimited possibilities impedes our ability to judge reality rightly. Why settle down with the woman you've been dating since college when five IG baddies are in your DM? Why take the man showing you consistency seriously when this season's hottest athlete just liked three pictures in a row? We are afraid that these "better" options will pass us by, when in reality they are much less likely to prove fruitful. It is this illusion and delusion that keep us from truly finding a healthy, long-lasting love. 

The (d)illusion of choice also extends to those in relationship with us. What happens when we realize that our options have options of their own? A friend was updating me on their weekly work drama (ya'll know I love some mess), and made the comment that one of their co-workers was dating three women, but was upset when he found out that one of the women was still seeing her child's father, and decided to end the relationship. I normally like to validate all feelings that come up for folks, whether they be rooted in rationale or not; they're always indicators of a deeper issue, but that didn't stop me from calling that man delusional. This isn't a one-off incident. I've experienced it, my homegirls have experienced it. Hell, even some of my homeboys have experienced it. People who expect to be the center of your universe but refuse to place you at the center of theirs. It is the typical rules for thee, but not for me, double standard that is at the core of all patriarchal systems. If exclusivity is what he ultimately wanted from her, why not say so? Why not cut ties with the other women? It's because the (d)illusion of choice will not be satisfied with exclusivity. The thrill is in the chase, ultimately leading to the death of exclusivity. 

The death of exclusivity is a symptom of the (d)illusion of choice. Once we've convinced ourselves that we have unlimited options, there's no real reason to choose just one, is there? Thus, entering a state of decision paralysis, where the options overwhelm us so greatly that it becomes nearly impossible to make a choice. So we don't. We spend our lives bouncing from situation to situation, person to person, always looking for the next exciting thing. Never allowing ourselves to root in one place, a necessary step for growth and blossoming. I'd also like to offer up the (d)illusion of choice and death of exclusivity as a baseline explanation for the male loneliness epidemic. Romantic relationships aside, more and more modern men are having difficulty forging and maintaining any meaningful relationships at all. Refusing to allow yourself to belong to someone or something is isolating; it robs you of a community that will hold you and surround you in love and mutual understanding, and I hate that for y'all. 

So, where does this leave us? Truthfully, I'm not sure yet. I'm only in the second chapter of the book lol. But if I know one thing about bell hooks, it's that I can always trust her to guide us in the art of loving. I'll be back with an update. I love ya'll.