Confidence is a Place Insecurity Goes to Die - Reality Check x Noname

 The kids are calling it delusion. The audacity of you to believe that you are larger than life, that you are a star amongst planets. The unmitigated gall to live outlandishly, rather than live inside the box we designed specifically for you. How dare you desire more, crave more, BE more? We know our place; we stay in our lane. You think you're better than us? Who do you think you are?

This past week I watched a YouTube video by think femininity. called "the art of strategic delusion," that struck the deepest depths of my soul. The video takes a look at how Doechii strategically used her circumstances to catapult herself to fame and mainstream success.  While the creator uses the word delusion, I assume a nod to its widespread use on the internet; what it specifically points to is Doechii's courage to be unapologetically herself. The confidence to be the person she always dreamed of being, and doing the work that aligns with that. And it got me to thinking...is confidence the cure to insecurity? 

I'm reminded of the poem 'Our Deepest Fear' by Marianne Williamson, which tells us that we aren't actually afraid of inadequacy, but rather our own power and light. On my artist's journey, I have been terrified of calling myself a writer. It literally makes me cringe to say aloud. But why? Why do I shy away from the opportunity to share who I am and what I'm passionate about with the world? If Williamson is correct, it's not because I'm afraid of failure or not being good enough. It's because of what embracing that power means on a larger scale. 

We exist in a world where our personhood is connected to, and damn near validated by, our means of production. Our success is measured by how we make ends meet, and how well those ends actually meet. I knew that by calling myself a writer, I would be signaling something to other people, and I'm afraid of what that something would say about me. About who I am, about how successful I am, and about how much of their time and energy I'm worth. I wasn't quite ready to accept someone else's label, so when asked what I did, I gave a drawn-out explanation of being a new grad working this or that job, trying to get my foot in this or that door, keeping myself busy until something better comes along. Which is true, but is that the entirety of it? Is it the whole of who I am, or is it just my current circumstance? 

I decided then that if I am to be a writer waiting on a better opportunity, I'd better start writing so opportunity knew where to come looking. To have the courage to call myself by the name of the person she'd come looking for. It's much more difficult to be insecure when you are exactly who you say you are. When there's tangible proof of what you've created, no one can give you an ill-fitting label. Cause like Williamson said, "Who are you not to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? You are a child of God, and your playing small does not serve the world." 

So, my fellow artist. Whatever your chosen medium, don't be afraid to be exactly who you were meant to be: an artist. 

As always, it's a pleasure to have you here down at the Noir Narrative. 

- All my love, Kiah.